Undoubtedly, The Dukes of Hazzard was my first introduction to alcohol, tobacco and firearms (and Short Shorts thank you, Miss Daisy Duke) and what fun they could be. It would, however, be many years later before I found out just how much trouble those things could earn me and just how extensive the government is in making sure a person understands that.

In fact, just like in The Dukes of Hazzard, having a still is still illegal, at least without a permit in good Ole' Virginny (§ 4.1-314). It seems that if done wrong White Lightning can make you blind or dead, so tell your buddies out in Floyd to keep everything on the down-low, and that 16B's didn't see nuthin'!

Brewing beer or wine on the other hand is perfectly legal without a license so long as the hooch is for one's own personal consumption. Nonetheless, the wheedling law still finds a way to get its grubby little hands in things by stipulating that private gifts of beer from an unlicensed brewer to a single person must not exceed 72 ounces per year and wine at one liter per year (§ 4.1-200.6). So in case you drink more than a thimble full of beer a day consider making more friends who brew it.

Fermenting wine is relatively easy and legal, too. In high school I mixed Fleishman's bread yeast and sugar with grape juice in a three-liter plastic Big K Cola bottle, then capped it off with a fermentation trap so it wouldn't explode. One and a half months later I was puking up purple stuff for free. It was great and by great I mean awful. It tasted like nothing I have ever encountered in nature and required a type of patience and foresight not found since then, so if you can make it past the wait, taste and headache, dorm room fermenting is the way to go until you turn twenty one. Readers beware though, underage drinking is illegal and can cost a person his license to drive, VASAP classes and the embarrassment of community service, which totally sucks on every level (§ 4.1-305).

Trying to use a fake ID is also risky business as it carries a charge of a class one misdemeanor and the same penalties if caught. This includes its use to obtain tobacco as well as alcohol so if you're too young to smoke but you just can't wait to get started on that tumor, try growing the stuff (§ 18.2-204.2). By the time you succeed you'll be old enough to slowly kill yourself legally, plus it has a stronger kick with that same great cancerous effect. MMMM, good!

Apparently, there is a new way to consume your booze that has legislators hopping in several states. The AWOL vaporizer, which looks like a cross between a homemade bong and an upside-down asthma inhaler, takes an half ounce of ordinary 80+ proof spirits and vaporizes it into a breathable, low calorie shot that takes 20 minutes to consume. Legislators are freaking out, paranoid that it will help people get drunk when at twenty 20 minutes per half ounce, just breathing will burn off that alcohol in the blood stream. After all, a funnel and some plastic tubing will facilitate projectile vomiting in only seconds, why all the worry? Regardless, the commonwealth has seen to it to ban alcohol vaporizers just in case (§ 4.1-302.1).

Beer is like cheddar; it makes everything better, except driving, archery and surgery. So if you're like me and have craved a drink at work before noon but aren't a white collar yuppie who can order Sam Adams for lunch with the boss, you may want to know, state code only stipulates that no employee of a licensed alcohol retailer "shall consume any alcoholic beverages while on duty and in a position that is involved in the selling or serving of alcoholic beverages to customers"(§ 4.1-325.2). It would seem that the "and" would imply that everyone else not involved with alcohol sales or service is unaffected by this, but reader beware, this sounds too good to be true.

If you've ever checked your foothold on the floor, closed one eye to focus on the barkeep, then ordered a Jager Bomb only to be cut off, know that it isn't personal. It's just that it is illegal in Virginia to serve intoxicated people, which raises the question, "How does anyone manage to get drunk at a bar?"

It appears that there is a nice padding of subjectivity to the law that allows room for judgment on the part of the bartender and courts. See, if you get tanked and lose an eye jousting with pool cues, the bar doesn't want to be held liable for your bravery in battle, therefore you get cut off before you duel. That way the bar doesn't have to pay for your $10,000 mistake and you retain your perception of depth. It's not personal, just sound business (§ 4.1-225).

As far as drinking in public, it's still illegal. People can drink in fenced-in patios or decks at bars, in taped areas or grandstands at sporting events or even in front of giant windows open to public view, but it's still illegal to drink a beer in public because somehow that is completely different (§ 4.1-308).

Nothing sounds like more fun but is more dangerous than guns and alcohol. In the case that you are a mullet-sporting bounty hunter and carry a piece at all times, beware, you may not enter a bar or restaurant licensed to sell alcohol unless you are an employee, owner or event sponsor on duty there who has a permit to conceal (§18.2-308 J.3.).

Much to the chagrin of many of my uncles, hunting while intoxicated is also illegal, which kind of takes some of the fun out of sighting a moving target but then Dick Cheney taught us that you only have to be a dumbass to shoot your buddy in the face, so hunting without the hooch is certainly a safer bet (§18.2-285).

Most of the time the government gets it wrong. All too often it tries to control what we, the people, do and that is largely impossible. Seventy-five years ago this month of April, the government ended its legislation of prohibition and in the process learned a great lesson from the mistake, that while a government cannot hope to control what its people do, it can be in control of what they do. The manifestation of that kung fu wisdom is the controlling rein of state and federal regulation that defines the ATF and VA ABC. So have fun swimming around their fishbowl and remember: Drink responsibly, carry wisely, and don't smoke, 'cause it's naaasty.

Disclaimer: Case law should carefully be considered and a real lawyer consulted should one decide to do something foolish based on this article. 16 Blocks Magazine does not encourage or condone underage drinking, smoking or gun slingin' and warns that drinking, and tobacco are gateway drugs to an unsuccessful career as an unpaid writer. Please, don't shoot, smoke, drink, and drive.