Campaign Apocalypse

Supposedly, everyone wants to know how the candidates stand on the big, scary issues that face our world in the 21st century. Global warming (or "climate change," if you watch Bill O'Reilly for an unbiased opinion), immigration, the depreciation of the dollar to the general worth of wallpaper, the health care crisis, the bogeymen of tourists with Euros and terrorists with suitcase bombs, the moral morass of waterboarding, and what can perhaps best be described as a unisex, global state of PMS, all assail our collective nerves.

illustration by Ben Capozzi

article co-authored by Amy Splitt and Pris Sears

At this point, though, it's hard to keep track of it all. Furthermore, after what seems like an eternity of campaign brouhaha, the average voter's eyes are glazing over. Perhaps we need something a little more explosively cinematic to grab America's attention away from more exciting issues, such as whether Heidi and Spencer on The Hills will break up. Speaking of stupid "reality" TV characters, what we really want to know is, how would our three running candidates handle it if our nation were attacked by an epidemic of zombies? Or, more realistically, what about lizard people from space? A terrifying super-virus? Nanotechnology run amuck? An ice age or a pole shift? The Rapture? In a fit of violent speculation, we, your beloved 16 Blocks political analysts, have come up with some potential scenarios.

Senator McCain, what would you do in the event of an international epidemic of virulently contagious zombieism, causing ordinary citizens to attack their fellows and devour their spicy brains?

MCCAIN: It would be naive to exclude the nuclear option. If they form a rogue government, we should overthrow them. I will also not rule out pre-emptive attack against potential zombies.

Mr. Senator, wouldn't all people be considered potential zombies?

MCCAIN: Yes.

Mr. Senator, even if every zombie and potential zombie in the world were evaporated by nuclear bombs, aren't you concerned about the effect of an evaporated, perhaps even mutated, zombie virus upon any possible survivors?

MCCAIN: [Expletive deleted] you. I know more about this than anyone in the room.

Senator Clinton, same question.

CLINTON: I believe we would have to develop a strategy for protecting civilians. However, I also favor equal protection under the law for all Americans, which could include zombies. At the same time, I would discourage irresponsible behavior by fining any citizen $3000 for unauthorized brain consumption.

Senator Clinton, what if your husband, Bill, were to become a zombie?

CLINTON: Handling that would be a personal issue. I'd really have to dig down deep... in the backyard, and think hard about what was right for me and my daughter, Chelsea. I would like to think that I would stand by my zombie husband. Senator Obama?

OBAMA: Being a zombie is not a choice. If some of my fellow Americans are compelled to devour brains, there should be a safety net in place to protect and sustain them. I and members of my cabinet would encourage Americans to come together on this issue by forming an international center for volunteer, donor-supported brain banks.

Senator Clinton, imagine that a supervirus, on the scale of the Andromeda Strain, is decimating the world's population. How would you handle this crisis?

CLINTON: I can pretty safely predict that the greed of Big Pharma and the insurance industry would be to blame for this problem, which I could have eliminated in advance had my health care plan passed 10 years ago.

OBAMA: We need to get real. A supervirus is not a moral issue. Drug company lobbies are taking Americans to the cleaners, when what we need is prevention within the community. I support free condom and gas mask distribution for all citizens. A supervirus cannot infect the hope of the American people.

MCCAIN: Quality of health is an individual responsibility. We should tax cigarettes and allow Americans to buy prescription drugs from Canada.

Senator McCain, what if this supervirus has nothing to do with smoking?

MCCAIN: I will allow individuals a $2500 refundable tax credit for health care. [pause] Drink more beer!

Senator Obama, what would you do to protect America and keep our land secure in the event of a massive spaceship landing by lizard-people from another planet? Or maybe Cylons?

OBAMA: If attacked, first help victims, then prevent further attacks. Oh, and draft women. I hear Mars needs women.

Senator Obama, what if the aliens mean no harm, but are only seeking opportunity?

OBAMA: They should have access to Social Security and a legal path to citizenship. But still, we should install a forcefield between the earth's atmosphere and space in order to prevent unauthorized space-landings.

Senator McCain? Aliens? Lizard-men? Cylons? Friendly, unfriendly?

MCCAIN: I've spent my life dealing with national security issues, and I say we kick the Rodney King out of 'em.

Senator Clinton, what is your position on a potential invasion or "first contact" by lizard people from space?

CLINTON: I am no xenophobe. An anti-immigrant bill would have criminalized Jesus Christ. However, in the interest of national defense, I favor border patrolling in the sky.

Senator Clinton, what about the inevitable hybrid human/lizard babies?

CLINTON: I personally would never abort a hybrid alien baby. Even if the father is covered in scales and spits venomous goo, the sad, tragic, cowardly, half-assed choice of abortion should be kept safe, legal, and rare. Children of U.S. citizens and interplanetary visitors, also known as "lizard babies," should be covered under Medicaid and have access to our finest public schools. But what if the lizard people are here to steal all our water and turn us into a food source?

CLINTON: Nuke 'em. I mean, uh...

Senator McCain, what are you planning to do about asteroids?

MCCAIN: I do believe that asteroids exist and must be addressed.

Ohhkayyyy... Senator Obama, what about the threat of asteroids?

OBAMA: Give NASA contracts to locals, not government. Senator Clinton?

CLINTON: We have to overcome our criminal indifference to asteroids. Put someone in charge of asteroid recovery that actually cares.

Our candidates were busy with the crucial matter of fund-raising (and in the instance of Clinton, hiring all new staff), so they were unavailable to comment on the crucial issues of an ice age, grey goo, and sharks with lasers. However, we felt that the Rapture was a pressing and personal enough issue that we went the extra mile for you, our readers, and consulted a spiritual expert. Well, actually, we used the mostly vacant mind of one of our 16 Blocks interns to channel the spirit of the late astrology consultant to Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Ms. Jeanne Dixon, for her thoughts on the subject.

Ms. Dixon, our readers, like yourself, are secularly savvy, yet spiritually curious. Our three political candidates are known for their strong religious affiliations. How would they deal with the Rapture?

MS. DIXON: In the case of Mrs. Clinton, I am getting the sense that in the event that all true believers are gathered up spontaneously in a moment of glory, she would be mysteriously unavailable for comment to your magazine.

What about Senator Obama?

MS. DIXON: Well, I see some confusion there. Apparently the Lord doesn't check Snopes, and he read that email claiming that Senator Obama was a Muslim, and so the poor man will be left behind. Since I see the Senator choosing to have a quick smoke in the garage at the time of the Rapture, he might have to take this to court.

And Senator McCain?

MS. DIXON: Well, after McCain's change of heart on the Harry Potter issue, the man upstairs seemed to be pleased about his swerve towards ecumenical accord. Wow. The old bastard goes to Heaven. [Expletive deleted]!

Disclaimer: We didn't really channel Jeanne Dixon. Her speaker fees are outrageous. Props to Google.com. Quotations freely plundered and adapted to our satirical purposes from ontheissues.org. Mahalo, Namaste, Amen, Omeyn, Salaam; Shantih, shantih, shantih.