Bar Tips

Everyone knows that bartenders make great money. However, with that knowledge arises the misconception that through their patronage a customer virtually owns the person behind that bar. We somehow have the idea that these people owe it to us classy and cunning drinkers to be perpetually happy and delighted to serve us up choice swill with deftness.

The fact is: People can be idiots. Furthermore, people who have been drinking from the wine-skin are oftentimes a helluva lot less charming and funny than they think they are. It's not an insult, just an observation from someone who has been on both sides of the bar. After all, if people's judgment and behavior remained unchanged after two or twelve drinks, then there wouldn't be that whole, "You are going to prison for killing your passenger and a family of five in a drunk driving accident" thing.

Avid liver killers must keep in mind that these people working to inebriate them are surrounded by impaired individuals every moment of their workday. Imagine having to entertain your drunken Uncle Ed everyday (I love you Uncle Ed). Yeah it's like that.

So here are a few tips to help the would-be drunken charmer to help stay in the good graces of those very wonderful people, bartenders. All advice falls under this one mega rule of thumb. It seems pretty straightforward but there are people out there who die trying to steal underground cable, so this is for them in the event that AEP doesn't get them first.

Tip # 1: Don't piss of your bartender. Remember the days of kickball when one kid would bring the ball and then get angry for some reason and storm off with it, effectively ending the game? Drinking at a bar has the same potential so don't make the man who portions your alcohol at $4 per pour angry lest he storm off with the ball.

Tip # 2: Do not tap or wave your card or cash frantically in the air to get the barkeep's attention. You are in a bar and not on the trading floor of the NYSE, so chill. Waving anything at them, especially when they're busy, actually implies to the bartender—"I have no social empathy, please ignore me until my arm gets tired, and then please give me some attitude followed by years of bad service".

Tip # 3: (Following in the vein of Rule # 2) When waiting to be served, find a spot at the bar and be patient. For best results, pretend you are in the doctor's office and waiting to get some test results back. Wait with monk-like patience wearing a face that says, "Yes I am concerned, but there is little I can do but sit here and feign a smile like everything is cool. However, either way this goes, I am going to need a drink very soon". Tapping your glass on the counter for a refill implies that you enjoy watching other people getting served before you.

Tip # 4: Beware the bouncer! Bartenders have a near symbiotic relationship with these guys. A barkeep can be held liable for underage drinkers. Not only do the bouncers maintain an acceptable amount of order in an establishment, they also litigiously protect the bartenders' best interests, creating a pretty strong bond between the two people. This having been said, don't do anything to aggravate the bouncers. If it's a big dude then you already know what's going to happen. But even if it's a small guy, understand this—there is probably a very good reason why someone would hire a smaller bouncer over a larger one. You think watching a 6'3" 260lb man escort a guy out of a bar in a head lock looks ugly, just imagine what it looks like when it's done by a 5'10" 160lb mixed martial arts trainer who was deployed with the U.S. Marines in Fallujah for a year.

Tip # 5: Know how to tip. Most bartenders have to balance the credit card receipts at the end of the night which means that they can see the amount that customers have tipped them. If you want to be established as a great tipper, pay with a card of some type. Tip modestly throughout the night with cash but save the bulk of the tip for the credit card slip, which will be balanced at the end of the evening. Cash looks good going in a jar but when it comes down to it, having your name next to a big tip is priceless. It may seem like a popularity contest, but in some ways it is. You need to understand that if you establish a rapport with the bartenders, inevitably the quality of life improves. I know, it's high school all over again, but this time money makes people popular (oh wait, that's high school, too).

Tip # 6: Gentlemen, please do not hit on the bartenders. In all likelihood, she is probably dating the insecure yet observant 260lb bouncer watching everything go down from about 10 feet behind you. Asking out a girl is like asking for a job interview anyway, isn't it? You wouldn't approach an employer in flip flops and popped collar for a job 09 16 Blocks for keeping your bartender happy. story flash clark photos christina o'connor october 2007 10 hammered by some Kentucky Gentleman, so try not to hit on the lady serving you. It's just bad game.

Tip # 7: Unless you're a beatnik applauding his or her reading of Ginsberg's "Howl", don't ever snap your fingers at the barkeep.

Tip # 8: No Name-dropping. They don't care who you know unless it's Hamilton, Jackson, or Grant, and to a lesser extent Lincoln or Washington.

Tip # 9: Don't stand in line while it's busy, then say, "Uh, um...I—no wait! Um uh, I think I wana uh...duh, um, err, uhh, howaboutta....PBR please oh and I hope it's okay if I pay in nickels."

Tip # 10: Using glasware as ashtrays sucks for the bartender who has to wash them out. Besides, ever drink from a beverage someone extinguished a cigarette in? Tastes good doesn't it?

Tip # 11: If you are broke, which happens sometimes, don't ask, "What is the cheapest thing you have?" Just ask for a beer list or a PBR, High Life, Natty, or Keystone light. Otherwise you may be handed the pitcher from the keg-o-rator that catches the runoff from the taps.

Tip # 12: Try not to argue about why you need an ID to drink. It's just a job, nothing personal, and certainly no one would dare tarnish your upright reputation by believing you would lie to drink at a bar. Dig deep down inside yourself and pull out 3 seconds of time to entertain the law.

Tip # 13: DON'T say, "You must be new here. No? Well I'm here all the time and I've never seen you." Chances are the person has served you before and "being there all the time" has killed the brain cells directly responsible for face recognition. Generally, if you spend more time at the bar than the people who work there, try not to call attention to it.

Tip # 14: Chawin'on beechwood-aged cancer flavored tobacco is disgusting enough, but add it to some fermenting saliva-filled Solo cups left for the barkeeps to clean up and it's enough to make Kenny Rogers puke on his first drink of the evening. TAKE IT WITH YOU!

Tip # 15: Unless you have a debilitating lycopene deficiency that flares up only at bars during happy hour, bartenders have a hard time understanding why you are ordering a Blody Mary after sunset. It's a post church service drink for Pete's sake.

Tip # 16: Just be cool. Treat the place you are in like it is your own house, and the people serving you like friends. Do this, and you should be able to exit the place dignified and return welcomed. Remember that the bartenders, most of them that is, are sober for those long blurry nights and though you may not remember how Gorilla Farts and table dancing fused to create the lump on the back of your head, rest assured that the people working that night do.