Know Your Rights: Sexxxxxxx

Isn't it odd how humanity depends on sex simply for the species to exist but, at the same time cloaks it with constructs of immorality, profanity, and criminality? How did something so private and intimate become the scrutiny of governments, religious organizations and all the people of the world save the two (or more) individuals actually participating in it?

Illustration by Ben Capozzi

While the thought of our own Uncle Sam staring through the blinds of the bedroom window is unsettling enough, the reality that one could be prosecuted for what he sees is frightening. Seeking to instill morality into the public, the government has often erected lofty legislation in hopes that we individuals will not wander astray. Nevertheless, most of us, at one time or another have broken one of these mostly antiquated laws.

For example, in Virginia, it is still a felony in the books to have carnal knowledge any animal by any manner. In fact, the same law prohibits carnally knowing or submitting to any human in such a manner that involves the anus or mouth (§ 18.2-361). Maybe it's not the best one to start with but, it makes a point. Here, you have a law governing human beings in the same paragraph concerning animals, although we are clearly not the same. The supreme court felt similarly when they decided that the stringent anti-sodomy laws in Texas unfairly targeted homosexuals and were unconstitutional, consequently rendering this law impotent. It does however remain on the books so, animal lovers beware (Lawrence v. Texas).

Long and hard has our good state assayed to instill rectitude in its citizens. In fact, it is still a misdemeanor for "any two persons to lewdly and lasciviously associate and cohabit together", and lewd doesn't refer to mowing the front lawn in your Fruit of the Looms. It basically means that it is illegal to live with your significant other if you are not married . Wouldn't Ahmadinejad be proud (§ 18.2- 345).

Most people have heard that the missionary position is the only allowed method of sexual congress in the wouldbe- Kama Sutra-nullifying commonwealth. While I could not find any mention of it in the state code there is however proof of legislation designed to make the mere act of sex between two unmarried persons a crime of fornication, a class 4 misdemeanor, suggesting that we are all criminals save for the very young or super ugly (§ 18.2-344).

If you have ever gotten a little freaky in the boudoir, somewhere in between the comfort levels of Jello baths and cigarette burns, a camera may have come into play. Unbeknownst to many of us, it may be illegal to conceal a camera of any sort to capture those hot moments in the bedroom unless both or all parties consent and it's certainly illegal to sell the copies to your friends to get even (§ 18.2-386.1).

If you ever enter into marriage, there may come a time that you may want to get out of it. Fortunately divorce has been legal for a long while, which is surprising considering Virginia's antibigamy legislation. However in the case that you are a Mrs. Jim Bowie and your hubby runs off to play for so long that you believe he's dead and you take another spouse, the sympathetic commonwealth will understand and allow you to remarry after seven short years (§ 18.2-364 - § 18.2- 362).

To the shock of no one, there is also legislation outlawing adultery, thereby making it a class 4 misdemeanor to balance your yin with your yogi's yang. That also takes care of spouse swapping and sex parties, the homeopathic alternative to divorce and infidelity ( § 18.2-365). If you and the Mrs. ever get the urge to spice things up by taping homegrown Pamela and Tommy Lee sexcapades, be advised that the state looks at selling the film as distribution of obscene material which carries a stiff penalty upwards of a five hundred dollar fine (§ 18.2-382). It seems the commonwealth looks down on anything obscene or that which "has as its dominant theme or purpose an appeal to the prurient interest in sex". Apparently, this includes the sale of obscene movies, photographs, ballads, and novelties that go in the hoo-hoo or over the ho-ho (§ 18.2-372 - 18.2-374). Forget every sex shop or novelty store you've ever seen in the state and this is believable.

Needless to say the sexual experience is a subjective one and all jokes aside no one needs to be told where it goes or how to do it or who it should go to. And while many of these laws have been made obsolete through common sense and a few supreme court cases, it demonstrates the scope and breadth of governmental law regarding matters that are really none of its business. Until big brother realizes he can be a big dumb third wheel—know that wherever the passion moves you, whether at home or in the horse barn, whether with cell phones or cell mates, our weird old, white haired, gaunt complected Uncle Sam is watching.

Now, that sounds really obscene.

Disclaimer: The above information was merely taken from Virginia Code Law. In testing the validity of code law one must consider case law as well. 16 Blocks Magazine and its shady contributors are not lawyers in real life nor do they play ones on TV. As always check with a real lawyer before doing something foolish, crazy, or otherwise inspired by this publication.